Second Marriage GuidanceWhat can you expect? Guidance for the Person who's been Divorced As you know divorce can be painful and this pain can last for a very long time. It is something that you can re-experience again and again, and unfortunately, falling in love or a second marriage may not necessary erase that pain. Although, it may help ease some of your heartache, but it will not make it disappear completely. But you already know that, but what you may not realize is that you may still be carrying the emotional baggage, from your first marriage. It could be feeling a sense of failure or guilt or even depression, which is a common effect to divorce. This guilt needs to be explored because it can unconsciously enter your second marriage. Some people may be oblivious to the guilt that they carry within them, until they marry again and it comes out in some shape or form. 
This guilt needs to be addressed because it can hurt your present love, and cause damage to your second marriage. Guilt can change or alter your behavior in such a way that you are not yourself any more. You are not the person that your spouse married. It can prevent you from being authentic and genuine. An example of guilt seeping into your relationship is when you begin to over compensate by doing things for your new spouse, that you did not do with your former partner. You do almost anything and everything for your present partner, to a point where you are totally burnt out, and eventually become resentful toward your them. It can ultimately change who you truly are! Guilt can do that to a person, and can make you feel as if you need to pay some kind of penance, when all that is required is the real you. So, if you are entering marriage as a divorced person, try to examine carefully your feelings of guilt, and determine what is driving you to this damaging behavior, and making you feel you need to change. Your guilt can stem from many reasons. It can be financial debt, so you over work, or you feel guilt over a lack of physical desire or passion, or you can feel guilty over not being a good parent. What ever it is, identify what it is and examine it. Talk it over with a trusting friend, or your spouse. You also have the option to seek a trusted counselor. Once you recognize what it is, and bring it to the open to find a solution, it can reduce the impact of guilt, and help preserve and maintain your second marriage. Guidance for the Widower Divorce is very difficult in itself, but it is so heartbreaking to lose your love, your soul mate, your life long partner, cut short by an accident, illness, or to circumstances beyond your control. It is a a pain you carry with you for a long time. It may even put you into a state of depression. Yet you found someone that can be your companion again, but you think of your former spouse, and begin to feel guilty. You start to think if what you are doing is fair too the memory of your former spouse, or wonder if they would have approved of the new love. So many thoughts and questions run through your mind, and you ultimately become quiet, sad, and withdrawn. You wonder if you should remarry again? Don't hold these feelings inside. You can begin by writing your thoughts and concerns. Sometimes when you write down your feelings and vent what is inside you, you will feel some sort of relief and clarity as to which direction to take. 
Go ahead examine these feelings, and start to look at it, not as a loss, but as a blessing that you were able to love this person in your life. For what ever time you shared, you were enriched by this person. No need to feel guilty, and realize this person was a part of who you are, and helped form that person you are today! That is the person which your new partner fell in love with. You don't have to forget your former partner, but put them in that special place in your heart, and begin to open up the rest of your heart to find a place for your new companion that is presently in your life. As the saying goes, love multiplies, not divides and their is plenty of room in your heart to love again. You can have a companion to share your dreams, hopes, fears, and most importantly all of who you are. So give yourself a second chance to be happy again. If you find you are still struggling with your grief or guilt remember you are not alone. You can find a close friend, a counselor or even go to a couple session that can help you express your concerns, enable you to find a solution. I believe that your spouse is worth the effort, and worth the fight. Don't you? Guidance for the Person Marrying Someone Married Before If your entering marriage for the first time, with someone who was married before, you may be facing a few challenges, and the biggest challenge is that you may be marrying two people instead of one. That would be your new spouse and their former partner. Their former partner may be deceased, or even living many miles away, but they can still be there. For example, they will be there on former anniversaries or when your partner recalls something special they shared or said in a variety of places. So go into this marriage with the awareness that a former spouse can exist in your second marriage. 
You can talk to your partner and let them know it is ok to talk about it. Bring it out into the open and learn what makes you feel uncomfortable. Don't keep your concerns inside. If it concerns you then the two of you need to communicate. As you do this, it will help ease your discomfort, and make you more at ease with one another. As time goes by, you will develop your own life together, growing stronger each day. Also, if issues concerning a former spouse continue to haunt you and your marriage, please seek a competent counselor that can help you both. It really helps to get a professional point of you, that is objective, can give you clarity and guidance into your situation. Guidance for Those That are Bringing Children into a Second Marriage You and your love are looking forward to a future together, and you need to take special care to be sure your children feel included and that they are a part of this major decision that will impact their life. Whether it is a toddler, teen or an adult their thoughts and feelings about the marriage should be taken into consideration. After you announced your engagement, you can simply ask them how they feel about your remarriage. Remember to listen carefully, empathize and validate what they are saying to you. What ever the response is reassure them that they are understood. Be empathetic which shows you've taken their feelings seriously and care. That you completely understood their concerns and will give it some thought. 
Keep in mind that your children will have strong feelings about their biological parent. They may even try to make you feel guilty, so it is important that you are not judgmental, but if your child is totally against your remarriage, you may consider seeking a counselor to deal with issues more objectively. It is always recommended to seek some kind of counseling for any of these situations, only because it will help you articulate your feelings, and get some clarity for your future. With this clarity you will be able to shed some unnecessary emotional baggage, preserve, maintain, and bring happiness into your second marriage. From Remarriage Guidance Return to Home Page |
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